


friendly reminder

by redbirb



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: AUideas Advent Calendar, AUideas Advent Calendar 2018, Angst with a Happy Ending, Day 4, December prompt, Extra Letters Au, Gen, Implied Ramsay Bolton/Theon Greyjoy, Mild Language, Modern AU, Or rather hopeful ending, Past Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Past Ramsay Bolton/Theon Greyjoy, READ TAGS IT HAS IMPORTANT THINGS, Ramsay is His Own Warning, Recovery, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, theon centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 15:16:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18368663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbirb/pseuds/redbirb
Summary: I still have nightmares, he writes in today’s entry, which is true. He still struggles with the phantom touch of harsh hands, bruised ribs and black eyes. Two of his fingers are still crooked from that time Ramsay had broken them, another has a hard time bending, sometimes limiting what he can do with his hands ; Asha still wants him to try and relearn archery, hoping it’ll give him that special little piece of him back, for his own sake.





	friendly reminder

**Author's Note:**

> An old short fic I wrote for AUIdeas yearly prompt Advent Calender event.
> 
> You can find the prompt here : http://auideas.tumblr.com/post/168298953687/aac-2k17-december-7th
> 
> This was also posted on my GOT/ASOIAF tumblr found @ greyjoysexual : http://greyjoysexual.tumblr.com/post/168335435155/friendly-reminder

Theon recently started therapy.

He’s coming to terms with leaving an abusive relationship, finding himself again after being split open and carved out. He’s no longer a husk, a prisoner at the mercy of someone else. Every since he left Ramsay, he’s becoming more and more like the person he remembers being, the person who smiled and laughed, that stood proud even in the face of his mistakes. He hadn’t realized until now how much of himself he’d given up.

His therapist, Dr. Luwin, has been helping him work through the trauma. After moving in with his sister, Asha, and starting therapy, there has been a weight lifted off his shoulders. The days seem brighter, the future attainable despite the negative thoughts that still plague him in the dead of night when he can’t sleep. Theon hopes to apply for a job soon (Asha could really use help with the bills) and continue to further distance himself from the backlash of his time with Ramsay.

Recently Dr. Luwin has given him a writing assignment : a journal he keeps to write an entry every day about how he feels. It seemed lame at first, Theon didn’t at the time understand how it would help, especially if no one was supposed to read it ; unless he wanted to show anyone, that’s what Dr. Luwin had said with a reassuring smile.

He’s hanging around the activity room of the therapy center, a place he used to be intimately acquainted with when he was an in-patient at the facility for the first three weeks when he started therapy with Dr. Luwin. His favorite table is by a large window overlooking the side garden where the sun peeks through and warms his skin as he sits there. The safe space is comforting, forces the thoughts of Ramsay’s windowless basement away.

 _I still have nightmares_ , he writes in today’s entry, which is true. He still struggles with the phantom touch of harsh hands, bruised ribs and black eyes. Two of his fingers are still crooked from that time Ramsay had broken them, another has a hard time bending, sometimes limiting what he can do with his hands ; Asha still wants him to try and relearn archery, hoping it’ll give him that special little piece of him back, for his own sake.

_I hear him when I think bad things. Sometimes I believe them, like before. That I’m weak, that no one wants me, that I should be dead. It hurts. My fingers hurt too._

Theon takes a deep breath for composure. Talking about this is hard enough, having to write it out, to review the evidence of what he’s been subjected to, of what’s been done to him, is somehow worse. He knows it’s to help him confront the pain, but it also makes him want to go home, slide beneath his bed and hide.

_I want to be better. I want to get better._

He desperately wants to move on, wants to leave behind Ramsay and his wormy lips degrading him until he feels like dog shit. That time nearly broke him, nearly pushed him to do something he could never take back. He wonders if that’s what Ramsay had wanted, to poke his wounds until he succumbed to his low view of self-worth.

Theon grits his teeth, grips the pencil tighter between his fingers. It’s hard not to fall back into the memories, reliving them as if happening in real time. Sometimes he can still taste the blood in his mouth, feel the cold stone floor beneath his body.

_I’m not there anymore. I don’t want to be and I won’t ever go back._

He’d tried to leave early on in the relationship, when the abuse was beginning. But abusers know how guilt can keep someone from leaving, can keep them coming back when all their victims want and should do is get the hell away.

_I make my own decisions now. I’m getting better. Even if I’m not entirely myself, I’m getting there. I promised Asha I would try. I promised Dr. Luwin I would try. I promised myself I would try._

_I still hate myself. I think I always did and he only made it worse. I thought I needed him to love me to be worth anything. I know now that it isn’t true._

_I know I’ve made mistakes. I know I haven’t always been the kindest to other people. I learned a lot about treating people fairly while I was being hurt._

_And now that I’m free -_

And now that he’s free what? He has a list of things he wants to do, a plan he’d written out with the help of Dr. Luwin and Asha with steps towards his recovery, but he’s not quite where he should be mentally. It’s obvious by the words he rereads in his journal, progressively better as time goes on, however, there are swirls of darkness etched in every entry that persists day to day. He can’t shake the self-loathing he feels at this.

“Theon,” a nurse he’s become familiar with calls out to him. “I haven’t seen you in a week! How are you?”

“Getting better,” the usual response. It’s the easiest to say.

“I’m glad to hear that and I’m happy to run into you. I have something for you in the office - it made me think of you while I was out shopping.”

He blinks, unsure how to react. Gifts are usually associated with piss poor apologies and fake promises of things going to change. He pushes through the paranoia to say,“ Thank you.”

The nurse smiles and ushers him over to the office down the hall for a moment. Apparently the gift is a scarf, knitted a series of blues to represent the sea. It’s beautiful and immediately makes Theon grateful to have something nice he can tell people about the next time he’s asked about how he’s doing. He repeats his gratitude (this time more sincerely and with a smile) and says his goodbye when they separate.

He goes back to see his journal sitting there where he left it… but the pen he’d been using has been moved askew. Tensely his eyes are drawn to the paper, trying to pin point where there had to be change and he finds himself right when he sees at the end of his last cut off sentence new words he hadn’t written. The letters are precise and neat, as if written with careful concentration. What they spell out has him speechless.

_I’ll learn to love myself too._

He chokes back the overwhelming mesh of feelings rushing through him. He looks around, but the room is empty, whoever wrote in his journal is gone.

Theon closes the journal. He’s finished his entry for today.

**Author's Note:**

> This was an emotional journey!
> 
> I'm mostly on my other tumblr account @ rainbowredrobin! But feel free to try and contact me on either of my tumblrs :D


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